Learning to cope without mom is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. My friend Andrea has been keeping me busy during the day so I don't think too much. Her memorial is next Saturday, and I've been working on a video montage to present to everyone. I want it to be special, and help everyone remember her before she was sick. Last night I realized that it's probably not the greatest thing for me to be doing since to edit and get it just the way I want it, I have to preview it a million times, and the emotions get flowing. I would have Adam do it, but I want it done a certain way, so the only person for the job is me. Today i'm headed over to her house to go through pictures with my step-dad and get things ready for Saturday. I'm taking the kids and i'm a little worried that Avery is going to ask where "Namma" is. I've already explained things to him, but a five year old just doesn't get it.
On a HAPPY note....
I mentioned in a previous post that Avery has anxiety about putting his foot down, and I was worried that he wouldnt even try to walk because of it. As you all
know, he's addicted to angry birds and steals my phone all the time. I, the genius that I am, bribed him with a new Kindle Fire! I told him that when he started walking I would order it for him. The kid is walking. For real. At first it was a little awkward, but by the end of the day, he had it mastered! I went online, ordered him a pair of Keen shoes, and ordered him his very own Kindle Fire (jealous). I cannot wait to put a pair of shoes on him! It will give him a sense of normalcy because he wont get every Tom Dick and Harry in Walmart asking him what happened to his foot. It wont be visible for people to ask! I kept finding myself watching him with a huge grin on my face. Im so proud of that boy!!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
About mom
I lost my rock yesterday. My best friend, my gossip sister, my go to girl. The only other person besides my husband who loves our children just as much as we do. Shes been sick for almost two years now and the cancer finally took her. I remember how grief stricken I was when she was diagnosed. A few weeks prior to her telling us, I actually dreamt about her telling me she had lung cancer. I woke up crying, and woke Adam up to tell him. Then she actually told me and the pain was out of this world. I couldn't handle it. It's like she died that day. It's been a constant roller coaster since then. She actually got rid of the cancer once. I cannot tell you the joy I felt when she told me. I cried to her on the phone and we were both so happy. I felt the knot in my chest disappear and all was PERFECT. But her cancer wasn't letting her win. It came back, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She's been in and out of the hospital for the last year. She's been in pain and it's been hard for her to breathe. She was getting weaker. They brought hospice in about a week ago. I just thought we had more time...
We were supposed to go up north this past weekend. But I didnt want to risk leaving mom and being that far away so we cancelled. Instead we spent the day with her on Saturday. I invited my aunt and I brought everything to make a crockpot dinner. I was laying next to mom massaging her fluid filled legs, when she said, "you know what's going on, right?" I had no words. It's hard to tell someone that you know they are dying. I wanted to pretend like I thought she was going to beat it again. But everyone knew the truth. She continued on to say, "I'm not going to make it Kristy. I probably only have about a month left." I tried to fight back the tears and said, "I know mama." I told her everything I needed to say after that. I told her that we would all be ok and that I loved her so so much. Last week we had a similar conversation and she told me how proud she was of me. I told her I was proud of her. She asked why and I said "because you gave up your adult years to adopt kids. You were a great mom. You chose to give up alcohol and you never looked back." When we left Saturday, I had the kids each give her a kiss and hug and she did her bumblebee song to them and made them laugh. She used to do that to them all the time, and she got to do it one last time. When I left, I kept kissing her on the forehead, and said I love you mama about ten times. She said, "dont worry Kris... you'll see me again." I just replied, "oh I know mom, I just love you SO much." And we left.
My mom gave me a bag of stuff about a month ago and I found this poem that I wrote to her when I was around Ally's age. Maybe a year or two older. It pretty much sums up what I think about her. I'd like to share it.
A dedication to Mother
This is a story about a lovely mother
I would never trade her for another
She has always been there for me
To pray for me on bended knee
She takes me shopping all the time
And when she does shes in a bind
My mom, I think shes pretty neat
She works all day in the summers heat
I pretty much get to do whatever
But sometimes she gets too clever
We may have our disagreements and fights
But they never really last all night
She comes in my room and gives me a hug
then she tucks me in as snug as a bug
We share some secrets and some treasures
To be with her her is a great pleasure
I know she likes Winnie the Pooh
But that's ok because I do too
She cleans my room almost everyday
Sometimes I dont know what to say
She goes to the store and buys me things
Joy and happiness she brings
I hope she has fun this very day
With plenty of things to laugh at and say
I have everything I need right here
For her, I'd give away my left ear
We share clothes and jewelry too
She makes the sky turn blue
She works in the garden all day long
She's always right while im always wrong
I think shes a real farmer girl
Her forehead topped with a curl
You should see her flower beds
They're more special than something said
I'll love her for the rest of my life
Even through pain and strife
She's a kind mother
Who raised me and my brother
Were getting chickens pretty soon
Maybe sometime in June
We have a dog that she loves a lot
I hope our love will never rot
Im very proud of her for the things she does
She cleans off one little piece of fuzz
I like spending time with her alone
Like going to get an ice cream cone
Shes a pretty funny gal
She's my number one pal
We moved when I was seven
I know Ill see you in heaven
I just wanted to say thank you
For all the loving things you do
I could write and write forever about her. Stories about her, how great she was, how funny she was, etc... But there are no words for what a truly amazing person she was. The hurt I feel this morning... I can't take it. There's a hole in my heart. I feel like i'm going insane. At times I forget she's gone... It just doesnt feel right.
Monday, July 23, 2012
this and that
I'm beginning to realize that this is a breeze. That in just a few short months Avery will be a normal five year old. Avery still has his leg, Avery still has a LOT of his foot, Avery is still our Avery, and Avery is BREATHING! So much more could have came out of this accident, and I thank God that this is it. So many more parents are dealing with much worse. Cancer in their children, heart defects, brain defects, even death, and our hearts go out to them. I bet they would do anything to trade that stuff for some lost toes. Words cannot express how full our hearts are after this. How we look at life differently and every small thing. People say to me all the time that i'm such a strong person. I'm no different than anyone else. You just get through it. The things that you do for your child... there is no limit.
Avery still has his foot and thigh covered, waiting for the last of his open wounds to heal up nicely. Then he will be able to try to walk. I'm a little concerned with how that is going to go due to his lack of wanting to even look at it. He has said to me before that he plans on using his walker forever. I just tell him "nope, we are getting rid of that soon, and you're going to be RUNNING!" So this is currently the battle that we are facing. A battle that yes, I have my concerns about, but not really too worried about it. It may be a struggle, but I KNOW that he will do it when the time comes. Because I know how strong Avery is. And I know he can conquer anything!
Let me tell you a totally AWESOME story.... One of my very good friends has a good friend that lost part of his foot in a lawn mower accident in his early twenties. He is now late twenties I think? Anyhow, he doesnt look old so I'll go with that. :) We have been emailing back and forth for awhile now, and he offered to bring his family up to Pentwater yesterday. Blew my mind!! Adam was nervous, but I wasnt. I knew that anyone willing to do something like that was a great person and we would have no awkwardness at all. We met at the beach and I was right. Great person. His wife and kids? Great too. He typed out two pages of notes for us to keep and reference through this journey. He wanted to show Avery how he is just a normal guy with half a foot. I feel incredibly confident now in the quality of Avery's life. He actually has more of his foot gone than Avery, and he does just fine. Any questions we had he answered with all honesty. The guy waterskis (BAREFOOT!!), snow skis, and pretty much can do anything he puts his mind to. What an inspiration! At first Avery did not want to look at his foot. Had he not had this happen, im sure it would have been no big deal, but I just think it scares him to know that his foot looks similar. That its not normal. After warming up to Andy (thats his name by the way), Adam and I kept catching Avery sneaking looks at his foot. And you could almost tell that gears were turning in his head. Like, "ok... hes fine. I will be too!" By the end of the beach time, Avery and Andy were chummy playing in the sand together. We met them at Gull Landing for dinner along with our friends Brian and Tera who introduced us, and finished up the night there.
There is a new confidence in Avery after seeing Andy. I love good people. Im incredibly thankful that he took time out of HIS life, and came into ours. I feel like such a sappy person after this. People are probably like, "Gawd shes so dramatic and sappy!" Well, I decided that I dont care. Ive never been one to show or express emotion, but this is life people. And its beautiful. And its short. And I dont care what people think anymore.
Avery still has his foot and thigh covered, waiting for the last of his open wounds to heal up nicely. Then he will be able to try to walk. I'm a little concerned with how that is going to go due to his lack of wanting to even look at it. He has said to me before that he plans on using his walker forever. I just tell him "nope, we are getting rid of that soon, and you're going to be RUNNING!" So this is currently the battle that we are facing. A battle that yes, I have my concerns about, but not really too worried about it. It may be a struggle, but I KNOW that he will do it when the time comes. Because I know how strong Avery is. And I know he can conquer anything!
Let me tell you a totally AWESOME story.... One of my very good friends has a good friend that lost part of his foot in a lawn mower accident in his early twenties. He is now late twenties I think? Anyhow, he doesnt look old so I'll go with that. :) We have been emailing back and forth for awhile now, and he offered to bring his family up to Pentwater yesterday. Blew my mind!! Adam was nervous, but I wasnt. I knew that anyone willing to do something like that was a great person and we would have no awkwardness at all. We met at the beach and I was right. Great person. His wife and kids? Great too. He typed out two pages of notes for us to keep and reference through this journey. He wanted to show Avery how he is just a normal guy with half a foot. I feel incredibly confident now in the quality of Avery's life. He actually has more of his foot gone than Avery, and he does just fine. Any questions we had he answered with all honesty. The guy waterskis (BAREFOOT!!), snow skis, and pretty much can do anything he puts his mind to. What an inspiration! At first Avery did not want to look at his foot. Had he not had this happen, im sure it would have been no big deal, but I just think it scares him to know that his foot looks similar. That its not normal. After warming up to Andy (thats his name by the way), Adam and I kept catching Avery sneaking looks at his foot. And you could almost tell that gears were turning in his head. Like, "ok... hes fine. I will be too!" By the end of the beach time, Avery and Andy were chummy playing in the sand together. We met them at Gull Landing for dinner along with our friends Brian and Tera who introduced us, and finished up the night there.
There is a new confidence in Avery after seeing Andy. I love good people. Im incredibly thankful that he took time out of HIS life, and came into ours. I feel like such a sappy person after this. People are probably like, "Gawd shes so dramatic and sappy!" Well, I decided that I dont care. Ive never been one to show or express emotion, but this is life people. And its beautiful. And its short. And I dont care what people think anymore.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
smooth sailing
Things have been kind of uneventful lately. Avery started daycare again this week, and he seemed really happy to be there. I think he likes things back to normal. His daycare center (Childs Play in Hart) has been unbelievably supportive to him and our family. They had a bake sale for us, and some parents even went as far as paying our daycare bill! We stuck it away for future medical bills. Touched our hearts that they would go above and beyond like that. Some fun info for you... How much do you think an emergency helicopter ride is to Grand Rapids? Higher.... higher..... $19,000!! Granted, I hopefully wont have to pay that because I have health insurance (Praise the Lord!!) but it is still unbelievable!
I now have to change Avery's dressings every day. The skin graft is absolutely doing wonderful, and has no open spots at all. His knee had a very deep wound also, and that one just isn't healing as fast as I wanted it to. All of his foot has been healed but one spot also. It was frustrating because everytime I took the gauze off the open areas, it would peel back a layer of scab, and Avery would scream in pain. His doctor suggested buying nonstick pads, and they have been working great. I can already tell that things are looking better. I hope he's walking by his first day of kindergarten. I hope. I was at work the other night, when Adam posted a picture of Avery riding his tractor. I seriously teared up. The last time he rode his tractor was the day of the accident. He was SUPPOSED to be riding it when he was run over. This is a huge stepping stone!
I admit, I've been coddling Avery a LOT. Either it caught up with me yesterday, or he was extremely tired. I'm hoping it was exhaustion. He was so naughty!! I did wake him at 1 am yesterday morning to go to my moms 1.5 hours away. We got there at 3 am, and he couldnt fall asleep. I didnt get any sleep either because I slept with my mom and she was up every ten minutes saying she couldnt breathe or had to go to the bathroom. Heartbreaking and scary to see her like that. I would lose sleep any day to help her and make her feel better though. I would just rub her back or tickle her shoulders to try to get her breathing slowed down. I cannot imagine how scared she is. I wish I could take her place.
I now have to change Avery's dressings every day. The skin graft is absolutely doing wonderful, and has no open spots at all. His knee had a very deep wound also, and that one just isn't healing as fast as I wanted it to. All of his foot has been healed but one spot also. It was frustrating because everytime I took the gauze off the open areas, it would peel back a layer of scab, and Avery would scream in pain. His doctor suggested buying nonstick pads, and they have been working great. I can already tell that things are looking better. I hope he's walking by his first day of kindergarten. I hope. I was at work the other night, when Adam posted a picture of Avery riding his tractor. I seriously teared up. The last time he rode his tractor was the day of the accident. He was SUPPOSED to be riding it when he was run over. This is a huge stepping stone!
I admit, I've been coddling Avery a LOT. Either it caught up with me yesterday, or he was extremely tired. I'm hoping it was exhaustion. He was so naughty!! I did wake him at 1 am yesterday morning to go to my moms 1.5 hours away. We got there at 3 am, and he couldnt fall asleep. I didnt get any sleep either because I slept with my mom and she was up every ten minutes saying she couldnt breathe or had to go to the bathroom. Heartbreaking and scary to see her like that. I would lose sleep any day to help her and make her feel better though. I would just rub her back or tickle her shoulders to try to get her breathing slowed down. I cannot imagine how scared she is. I wish I could take her place.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
A turning point
Wow, what an eventful week! Had two of my great friends Angela and Andrea over for two nights, where we watched fireworks on the beach, went to a parade, and spent the day at the beach! It has been super hot! We all had a lot of fun.
After our company left today, I took the kids to Mount Pleasant to visit my mom. We spent the day there. At one point, I was getting pretty sleepy, so I decided to take the kids for a walk down to the gift shop. We get a lot of people asking Avery what happened to his leg when we are out in public, but he's usually pretty silent. Today, the gift shop volunteer asked, and he flat out said, "I got run over by a lawn mower." The lady seemed pretty unmoved. Her next question irritated me a little... "So do you still have your toes?" To my surprise Avery said "no". I was pretty impressed and proud of him! Ive been telling him at the right moments in the last couple of weeks to remind him about his foot. I dont want to take the bandage off one day and have him go in shock at the sight of his foot. I just didnt think it sunk in... but I guess i was wrong! The lady then said, "well do you have your big toe at least?" I kinda went mama bear on her and just abruptly said, "no, but he's going to be just fine aren't ya Avery? It's no different than before." And we walked out. I dont mind people asking... I get that they are curious. But don't keep pestering, and for heavens sake, don't make him feel inferior!
My mom is doing a lot better than she was in the last couple of days. She was starting to get a little spacey, forgetful, and tired. I could tell she was happy to see me and the kids. It made me smile. Im very vague on her sometimes, or I just dont mention her. The reason is, she does not like to be mentioned on facebook at all. She does not like any sort of attention. She does not want visitors there that never visited her while she was well. She's just like that.
On the way home, the girls fell asleep, and Avery was just full of it. He was asking me all sorts of things like where was he before he was born (that one blows my mind, and I had no answer for that) and what kind of music did I listen to when I was little, and all kinds of silly yet kind of interesting questions. I started playing some music for him that I loved as a kid, which in turn got him singing songs the whole.way.home. Two hours to be exact. And I loved every minute of it. He was singing songs about daycare, about deer hunting, about his dad, and any other thing you can think of. At one point he said, "Mom, want me to sing about my accident?" I perked up a little bit when I heard that and immediately said yes. I was very curious what he could possibly "sing" about regarding that topic. It went a little something like this,
"I was playin in the yard, and I got run over by a lawn mower....
I got to ride in the ambulance very fast and then a helicopterrrrrrrr....
I went to the doctor and then I came home and watched fireworks and had a lot of fuuuunnnnnnnn! With Angela and Keelie and Gage!!!!"
You have no idea how I was smiling ear to ear with tears in my eyes. Not once in that song was "hurt" mentioned. Or anything else negative. ALL of it was positive. Every single word. Very cool. This is what I was aiming for. To see the good in all of this. And he gets it!!!
After our company left today, I took the kids to Mount Pleasant to visit my mom. We spent the day there. At one point, I was getting pretty sleepy, so I decided to take the kids for a walk down to the gift shop. We get a lot of people asking Avery what happened to his leg when we are out in public, but he's usually pretty silent. Today, the gift shop volunteer asked, and he flat out said, "I got run over by a lawn mower." The lady seemed pretty unmoved. Her next question irritated me a little... "So do you still have your toes?" To my surprise Avery said "no". I was pretty impressed and proud of him! Ive been telling him at the right moments in the last couple of weeks to remind him about his foot. I dont want to take the bandage off one day and have him go in shock at the sight of his foot. I just didnt think it sunk in... but I guess i was wrong! The lady then said, "well do you have your big toe at least?" I kinda went mama bear on her and just abruptly said, "no, but he's going to be just fine aren't ya Avery? It's no different than before." And we walked out. I dont mind people asking... I get that they are curious. But don't keep pestering, and for heavens sake, don't make him feel inferior!
My mom is doing a lot better than she was in the last couple of days. She was starting to get a little spacey, forgetful, and tired. I could tell she was happy to see me and the kids. It made me smile. Im very vague on her sometimes, or I just dont mention her. The reason is, she does not like to be mentioned on facebook at all. She does not like any sort of attention. She does not want visitors there that never visited her while she was well. She's just like that.
On the way home, the girls fell asleep, and Avery was just full of it. He was asking me all sorts of things like where was he before he was born (that one blows my mind, and I had no answer for that) and what kind of music did I listen to when I was little, and all kinds of silly yet kind of interesting questions. I started playing some music for him that I loved as a kid, which in turn got him singing songs the whole.way.home. Two hours to be exact. And I loved every minute of it. He was singing songs about daycare, about deer hunting, about his dad, and any other thing you can think of. At one point he said, "Mom, want me to sing about my accident?" I perked up a little bit when I heard that and immediately said yes. I was very curious what he could possibly "sing" about regarding that topic. It went a little something like this,
"I was playin in the yard, and I got run over by a lawn mower....
I got to ride in the ambulance very fast and then a helicopterrrrrrrr....
I went to the doctor and then I came home and watched fireworks and had a lot of fuuuunnnnnnnn! With Angela and Keelie and Gage!!!!"
You have no idea how I was smiling ear to ear with tears in my eyes. Not once in that song was "hurt" mentioned. Or anything else negative. ALL of it was positive. Every single word. Very cool. This is what I was aiming for. To see the good in all of this. And he gets it!!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
A day to remember
I woke up early this morning to take Avery to Grand Rapids for his appointment. I took all three kids with me. They are going to take his whole leg cast off. I was looking forward to it. I cannot wait for him to be able to move his leg more freely.
I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly though. The girls were in the room also, and the doctor just started taking his dressings off. Ally saw his injuries for the first time, and I saw them for the second. Still not a pleasant sight to see on your five year old boy. Still made me feel queasy. I could tell Ally was in shock. She sat in the corner for a little bit, and then came over and whispered in my ear, "Mom, im sorry that I was mean to Avery and jealous." She sat back down. Once the doctor started taking the stitches out of his stump, and his skin grafted thigh, Avery screamed bloody murder. Stiff with pain, sweating, nose dripping. I just sat there with him holding his hand telling him he was doing great. The pain im sure was just unbearable. It was hard to watch him go through that. He doesnt deserve it. But, the little trooper got through it. And walked out with a sucker and a smile on his face. Ally walked out with Adria in the middle of it, and went into the waiting room. It was too much for her to bear. I wont say it was good that she was in there, but it showed her how serious his injuries really are. This whole time she's been saying, "he's fine, why does he keep getting all this attention and presents?" She just had no clue that what we were trying to tell her was true. Now she knows, and I hope she can get over her jealousy. I think its pretty normal for her to feel that way though. Every kid loves attention.
I took the jogging stroller with us and we walked through the Muskegon mall. Besides Adria throwing fits, and one ipod and cellphone battery dead from playing angry birds, it was enjoyable. We are now home, everyone sleepy, but in good spirits. Getting ready for our company to come tonight and fourth of july fireworks!
'
I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly though. The girls were in the room also, and the doctor just started taking his dressings off. Ally saw his injuries for the first time, and I saw them for the second. Still not a pleasant sight to see on your five year old boy. Still made me feel queasy. I could tell Ally was in shock. She sat in the corner for a little bit, and then came over and whispered in my ear, "Mom, im sorry that I was mean to Avery and jealous." She sat back down. Once the doctor started taking the stitches out of his stump, and his skin grafted thigh, Avery screamed bloody murder. Stiff with pain, sweating, nose dripping. I just sat there with him holding his hand telling him he was doing great. The pain im sure was just unbearable. It was hard to watch him go through that. He doesnt deserve it. But, the little trooper got through it. And walked out with a sucker and a smile on his face. Ally walked out with Adria in the middle of it, and went into the waiting room. It was too much for her to bear. I wont say it was good that she was in there, but it showed her how serious his injuries really are. This whole time she's been saying, "he's fine, why does he keep getting all this attention and presents?" She just had no clue that what we were trying to tell her was true. Now she knows, and I hope she can get over her jealousy. I think its pretty normal for her to feel that way though. Every kid loves attention.
I took the jogging stroller with us and we walked through the Muskegon mall. Besides Adria throwing fits, and one ipod and cellphone battery dead from playing angry birds, it was enjoyable. We are now home, everyone sleepy, but in good spirits. Getting ready for our company to come tonight and fourth of july fireworks!
'
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Rough day
Today just validates the fact that I can't drink. Yesterday when Lori and her family were here, I made my beer/vodka/lemonade drink and actually felt pretty tipsy. Woke up with a headache of course and been seconds near upchucking all day. It's been a rough one. Its 9:30 pm, and I still feel it. Needless to say, I napped all day and we got takeout from Brown Bear. The kids are so bored!
Adam did take Avery fishing today at Bass Lake. I was happy to see them spend some alone time together. Avery is getting around well. He used his walker into the bathroom today, and I walked in on him going. He said, "Mom, get out I want to do do it myself!" Fantastic! Every little thing he conquers will only make him stronger.
My grandma called me tonight and said that they took my mom to the hospital via ambulance. She is battling lung cancer, has been through radiation and two rounds of chemo, and the cancer just keeps getting worse. She recently started a new drug that will help kill the cancer. She's been so weak, and kind of spacey lately. Im so worried about her. My grandma said she was real lethargic today and wouldn't wake up easily for them. Its 9:40 pm, and im battling with the decision to get in my car and go to her. What if she doesnt make it through this? I need to be there. The thing that is holding me back is the kids. I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that she may never see them again... that they may never see her again. I want to take them with me to see her. But im sure they wont allow us all into her room at midnight tonight. I cant lose my mom. She is my rock. She is who I turn to. We gossip, we laugh at our mutual airheadedness, and we just get each other. Well... she doesnt get me cause she always says she doesnt understand where I come from, but I have definitely figured her out. She's so proud of me. She says it all the time. I am over the moon that I can make her proud. :) I remember when she told me she had a tumor in her lungs... my first instinct was to call her crying and tell her what I just heard. Then remembered that it was HER that this was happening to. And I needed to be strong for her. To make her believe everything was going to be ok. But the fact is, there's a good chance it wont. Nothing hurts more than to not have the words or solution to comfort someone. So I sit here... the pain is throbbing in my chest. All of it. From Avery, from everything we've been through in the last year and a half, from the moment I heard she was sick. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once. Should I go to her?
Adam did take Avery fishing today at Bass Lake. I was happy to see them spend some alone time together. Avery is getting around well. He used his walker into the bathroom today, and I walked in on him going. He said, "Mom, get out I want to do do it myself!" Fantastic! Every little thing he conquers will only make him stronger.
My grandma called me tonight and said that they took my mom to the hospital via ambulance. She is battling lung cancer, has been through radiation and two rounds of chemo, and the cancer just keeps getting worse. She recently started a new drug that will help kill the cancer. She's been so weak, and kind of spacey lately. Im so worried about her. My grandma said she was real lethargic today and wouldn't wake up easily for them. Its 9:40 pm, and im battling with the decision to get in my car and go to her. What if she doesnt make it through this? I need to be there. The thing that is holding me back is the kids. I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that she may never see them again... that they may never see her again. I want to take them with me to see her. But im sure they wont allow us all into her room at midnight tonight. I cant lose my mom. She is my rock. She is who I turn to. We gossip, we laugh at our mutual airheadedness, and we just get each other. Well... she doesnt get me cause she always says she doesnt understand where I come from, but I have definitely figured her out. She's so proud of me. She says it all the time. I am over the moon that I can make her proud. :) I remember when she told me she had a tumor in her lungs... my first instinct was to call her crying and tell her what I just heard. Then remembered that it was HER that this was happening to. And I needed to be strong for her. To make her believe everything was going to be ok. But the fact is, there's a good chance it wont. Nothing hurts more than to not have the words or solution to comfort someone. So I sit here... the pain is throbbing in my chest. All of it. From Avery, from everything we've been through in the last year and a half, from the moment I heard she was sick. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once. Should I go to her?
Friday, June 29, 2012
Comfort
Today Avery had physical therapy in Ludington. I was originally going to cancel it because he's doing so well at home, and i'm working quite a bit with him, but decided it would be the right thing to at least go to one. As I previously mentioned, in the hospital Avery would not do anything for any of the staff there. I figured it would be the same in this situation, and it was. Pretty pointless. The physical therapist asked what he needed help with, and I just flat out said, "nothing". Seriously, he walks around the house with his walker, gets in and out of his chair, etc. I'm impressed with him. So, long story short, I wont be going to another physical therapy session until after he can apply pressure to his foot. And that's a big maybe. After PT, Avery and I went into Lowes real quick to pick out a paint color for the entryway. Then we went to Walmart and got some groceries. Avery played Angry Birds on my phone the whole time, and was just really great. It was great bonding time for us to just spend the day together.
Ironically, I work with a woman named Lori who's son was also in a lawn mower accident, and he lost his leg from just below the knee, down. The day of Avery's accident, I was desperately trying to call her on the way to Grand Rapids, because I just wanted someone who has been through this to tell me it would be ok. We had her and her family over for dinner tonight and it was wonderful! I told Avery beforehand about how her boy went through the same thing that he did, and he seemed to think that was cool. Her son has a prosthetic leg, and he wasn't shy about it at all. He showed Avery what it looked like, and I could tell that it made Avery feel better about his foot. The kids played the Wii, and went outside, and really had a good time. It was nice to talk to another family that has been through this.
Ironically, I work with a woman named Lori who's son was also in a lawn mower accident, and he lost his leg from just below the knee, down. The day of Avery's accident, I was desperately trying to call her on the way to Grand Rapids, because I just wanted someone who has been through this to tell me it would be ok. We had her and her family over for dinner tonight and it was wonderful! I told Avery beforehand about how her boy went through the same thing that he did, and he seemed to think that was cool. Her son has a prosthetic leg, and he wasn't shy about it at all. He showed Avery what it looked like, and I could tell that it made Avery feel better about his foot. The kids played the Wii, and went outside, and really had a good time. It was nice to talk to another family that has been through this.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Journey to a normal life.
Im one determined mama. I will make it happen if I want it. I want Avery to feel normal. It's gonna happen. Today I took Avery and the girls to the beach! I wrapped up the end of his cast in a garbage bag and away we went! We all had so much fun! Avery didn't seem to mind that he couldnt get in the water. I picked him up and dipped his other foot in, and that seemed fine enough for him. Wanna know what the crazy thing is? We have lived in this beach town for 5 years and before we left, there was NOT a pathway to the beach. They installed one while we were in the hospital! It truly is a blessing. I was able to easily wheel Avery all the way down to the water. It was kind of emotional. Seriously... Im so grateful. We came home after a couple of hours (yes I said HOURS!) and waited for Ally's softball game to start. I drove the kids, and my mother in law and her boyfriend followed. Adam met us there after work. Allys friends have brothers the same age, so Avery always loves going to her games. I was a little worried that he would feel sad because he couldnt run around with the other boys. I did sense a little frustration, but for the most part, the boys were wonderful and included Avery in as much as they could. He left happy. :)
Avery knows he lost part of his foot. He hasnt been able to see it yet, but im trying to prepare him for whats to come. I try to get him to talk about it. He gets emotional about it. He says, "but mom, I want toes on my other foot too! Will they grow back?" It's heartbreaking to tell him no. When I first told him, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I wont be able to walk?" I told him, absolutely YES. One thing he said yesterday that stumped me was that he wanted to tiptoe. What am I supposed to say to that? I just hugged him. The little stinker came up with something that mama couldnt give him an answer to. Of course he did. He's smarter than I think :)
Avery knows he lost part of his foot. He hasnt been able to see it yet, but im trying to prepare him for whats to come. I try to get him to talk about it. He gets emotional about it. He says, "but mom, I want toes on my other foot too! Will they grow back?" It's heartbreaking to tell him no. When I first told him, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I wont be able to walk?" I told him, absolutely YES. One thing he said yesterday that stumped me was that he wanted to tiptoe. What am I supposed to say to that? I just hugged him. The little stinker came up with something that mama couldnt give him an answer to. Of course he did. He's smarter than I think :)
9 days in the hospital
Sunday, June 17
After surgery we were taken the room on floor 7 where Avery would spend the next 9 days. The first day and night he would get terrible leg cramps in his left leg and would cry in pain. That was really hard to watch, as we couldnt do anything about it. My girls were still at my friend Andrea's house and we had nothing with us (clothes, hygiene stuff, toys and blankets for Avery, etc...). So while Adam stayed at the hospital, I went and picked the girls up and we spent the night at home. It was hard leaving him, but Adam never left his side. Coming home was emotional. I felt like I was going to a place where a tragic crime happened. It was eery I guess. I didn't even turn my head to look at the side of the house where the accident happened. I had tunnel vision to the door. Once inside, I just could not stop thinking about my boy. Stuff he did just this morning still laying on the floor... memories of him with normal feet and no pain, flooding to me. Everytime I stepped into his room to grab his stuff, I would feel total despair and had to remind myself that he was alive because the pain would not go away. Ally helped me pack up our stuff and we went to bed. Here's my precious Ally sleeping. Love her.
Monday, June 18
The girls and I woke up very early to go to the hospital. I could not believe how emotional I felt this morning. It's like I woke up expecting it all to be a dream, and when I realized it wasn't, it was like I was being told all over again about the accident. I got into the shower and started sobbing. Ally was in the bathroom also, and said, "mom, are you ok?" I know she's only 9, but the words "I just cannot believe this is real" escaped my mouth. After getting everything loaded into the vehicle, the girls and I headed to Grand Rapids. Adam's mom had driven up last night and was already at the hospital when we got there. Avery had cried before he went into surgery yesterday when he asked about his sisters, so he was very happy to see them! We stayed all day, and I was surprised that Adria was so good. She played with her ponies and was pretty content the whole time. Later that evening, my mother in law took the girls back to our house and Adam and I stayed at the hospital.
Tuesday, June 19
Today physical therapy came in and tried to get Avery moving a little bit. He wouldn't have anything to do with it. Would just cry and whine the entire time. His spirits seemed a little better when there were no hospital workers in the room. He was upset that his sister's had left though.
Wednesday, June 20
I left early in the morning because I had to work :( Avery was going to go into surgery around 7 am to see how the wounds were doing and possibly do the skin graft and do anything else they needed to to his foot. They ended up being able to do the skin graft on his thigh, but unfortunately had to have a little more of his foot cut back. It just wasn't setting up like the doctors wanted it to. I checked in often with Adam to see how he was doing. He wasn't doing well. Vomiting all day, depressed, and would not eat. On top of it, he hadn't had a bowel movement in 4 days so they had to give him suppositories. After he was able to go, you could tell he felt much better.
June 21-24
I brought the girls up on Friday morning to spend the day with Avery. Adam went to work for the first time. We took walks around the hospital and Avery seemed to really like that. We went outside, to the library, to the children's play area, etc... He also had a Wii in his room. He also now has a toy store in his bedroom with all the gifts from people! He actually once said, "Mom, I don't want anymore presents." What kid says that?! His emotions were up and down within these days. He would be really happy at times, but then he would switch to being really moody and sad. He still would not budge for physical therapy and it was really frustrating to me. I was worried he would become weak or get bed sores or something. I was worried about how he would be at home.
Monday, June 25
Avery had another surgery in the morning to see how the skin graft was taking and how the foot was scabbing over. The skin graft took 100%! The foot is scabbing over just how they like it to be. The surgeon said that we should be able to go home today! I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. Mainly because Avery wakes up every night drenched in sweat and sobbing. He wouldnt ever tell us what was wrong, but we assumed it was pain so we had the nurse give him a shot of morphine. The only thing that would calm him down was if I layed in bed next to him and sang the kids favorite song "5 little raindrops." I was scared he would wake up at home and we wouldnt be able to control his pain. The second reason is his blood pressure was running high. A 5 year olds blood pressure should not be high. It concerned me.
After what seemed like forever to get our discharge papers, and medical equipment (wheelchair and walker) we were on our way home! Avery seemed really happy to be in the van and kept saying, "this is fun!" He fell asleep on the way. When we got home, it was like a total transformation. He immediately wanted "real" clothes and underwear on, and wanted to sit on the couch. He would do anything.we.asked.him.to.do. It was amazing. He would hop on one foot, push his wheelchair, roll over, go potty standing up (we had to use a urinal the whole time at the hospital), and was just very determined!
He slept great. Did not wake up once, and was not in the pain even in the morning! Im just so impressed with my little boy!
After surgery we were taken the room on floor 7 where Avery would spend the next 9 days. The first day and night he would get terrible leg cramps in his left leg and would cry in pain. That was really hard to watch, as we couldnt do anything about it. My girls were still at my friend Andrea's house and we had nothing with us (clothes, hygiene stuff, toys and blankets for Avery, etc...). So while Adam stayed at the hospital, I went and picked the girls up and we spent the night at home. It was hard leaving him, but Adam never left his side. Coming home was emotional. I felt like I was going to a place where a tragic crime happened. It was eery I guess. I didn't even turn my head to look at the side of the house where the accident happened. I had tunnel vision to the door. Once inside, I just could not stop thinking about my boy. Stuff he did just this morning still laying on the floor... memories of him with normal feet and no pain, flooding to me. Everytime I stepped into his room to grab his stuff, I would feel total despair and had to remind myself that he was alive because the pain would not go away. Ally helped me pack up our stuff and we went to bed. Here's my precious Ally sleeping. Love her.
Monday, June 18
The girls and I woke up very early to go to the hospital. I could not believe how emotional I felt this morning. It's like I woke up expecting it all to be a dream, and when I realized it wasn't, it was like I was being told all over again about the accident. I got into the shower and started sobbing. Ally was in the bathroom also, and said, "mom, are you ok?" I know she's only 9, but the words "I just cannot believe this is real" escaped my mouth. After getting everything loaded into the vehicle, the girls and I headed to Grand Rapids. Adam's mom had driven up last night and was already at the hospital when we got there. Avery had cried before he went into surgery yesterday when he asked about his sisters, so he was very happy to see them! We stayed all day, and I was surprised that Adria was so good. She played with her ponies and was pretty content the whole time. Later that evening, my mother in law took the girls back to our house and Adam and I stayed at the hospital.
Tuesday, June 19
Today physical therapy came in and tried to get Avery moving a little bit. He wouldn't have anything to do with it. Would just cry and whine the entire time. His spirits seemed a little better when there were no hospital workers in the room. He was upset that his sister's had left though.
Wednesday, June 20
I left early in the morning because I had to work :( Avery was going to go into surgery around 7 am to see how the wounds were doing and possibly do the skin graft and do anything else they needed to to his foot. They ended up being able to do the skin graft on his thigh, but unfortunately had to have a little more of his foot cut back. It just wasn't setting up like the doctors wanted it to. I checked in often with Adam to see how he was doing. He wasn't doing well. Vomiting all day, depressed, and would not eat. On top of it, he hadn't had a bowel movement in 4 days so they had to give him suppositories. After he was able to go, you could tell he felt much better.
June 21-24
Monday, June 25
Avery had another surgery in the morning to see how the skin graft was taking and how the foot was scabbing over. The skin graft took 100%! The foot is scabbing over just how they like it to be. The surgeon said that we should be able to go home today! I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. Mainly because Avery wakes up every night drenched in sweat and sobbing. He wouldnt ever tell us what was wrong, but we assumed it was pain so we had the nurse give him a shot of morphine. The only thing that would calm him down was if I layed in bed next to him and sang the kids favorite song "5 little raindrops." I was scared he would wake up at home and we wouldnt be able to control his pain. The second reason is his blood pressure was running high. A 5 year olds blood pressure should not be high. It concerned me.
After what seemed like forever to get our discharge papers, and medical equipment (wheelchair and walker) we were on our way home! Avery seemed really happy to be in the van and kept saying, "this is fun!" He fell asleep on the way. When we got home, it was like a total transformation. He immediately wanted "real" clothes and underwear on, and wanted to sit on the couch. He would do anything.we.asked.him.to.do. It was amazing. He would hop on one foot, push his wheelchair, roll over, go potty standing up (we had to use a urinal the whole time at the hospital), and was just very determined!
He slept great. Did not wake up once, and was not in the pain even in the morning! Im just so impressed with my little boy!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
My hopes in creating this blog is to accomplish a few things: 1. To help me cope. I tend to hold a lot of things inside, and try to be a "strong" person. But the reality is, the hurt inside me is unbearable sometimes. Maybe writing this down, and sharing it with others could be a way to cope. 2. To keep those who care updated on this whole process, and maybe eliminate the repetitive explanations. 3. To help others who are going through the same thing. I've scoured the internet for some type of reassurance or information on partial foot amputations and have not found much. I crave some comfort in knowing there are other little ones out there that are doing just fine. 4. We are not invisible. It can happen to you. Ill admit it, I'm one of those parents that let their kids explore explore explore. I rarely tell them they cannot do something. Especially when it involves being outdoors. Adam and I are "lax" parents. Since the accident, I have found myself already being more careful about what I let my kids do. Ally asked me if she could ride her bike to town with our neighbor. I would've said yes with no doubts before... Now I think of everything that could possibly go wrong.
June 17, 2012
5 days after Avery turned 5
I met my friend Andrea in Montague at a park and ride. She drove us down to the craft show. We got out, and started to head toward the elephant ears. That's when I got the call.
It was Adam and he didn't sound right. He said, "Kris... my worst nightmare just happened." I paused, thinking it couldn't be bad. There was just no way. I said, "what?" He said, "I ran Avery over with a lawn mower." All the while, he's sobbing. My knees starting buckling. My breathing got rapid. I was afraid to ask what happened... if he was alive. But I finally asked. "His toes are gone." I dont even remember hanging up. Feeling numb, I walked over to the picnic table where Andrea was sitting and said, "Um, I need to go home. Avery was run over by a lawn mower." Immediately, she said ok and we started toward the van. I felt like I was going to throw up. My throat was dry. I kept it calm though. I called my mom and told her what happened, and then Adam called again. He said our neighbor was taking him to Shelby hospital and Avery was in the ambulance on the way there. The ride to Shelby was a blur. I had no idea where we were and time stood still. I was opening the door and trying to get out of the vehicle before Andrea could even park. There was an ambulance in the parking lot and I thought for sure he was in there. Knees shaking, floaty feeling, voice trembling, I approached the EMT and said, "Is my boy in there?" He told me that he hadn't arrived yet and to go into the hospital and wait for him. The doctors and nurses were all set up in a room waiting for him. Soon after, my boy was being wheeled in on a stretcher moaning, and I lost it for a second. I knew I had to be brave for my little boy, so as I approached his bedside, I wiped away my tears, and told him, "Avery, you are a strong boy, and you're going to be just fine." He looked up at me, and through his pain, said, "I lub you mom." I had to look at his leg. I work in the medical field, and have seen horrible things. It was gruesome, but even more so because it was a part of me. They told me that he was probably going to lose his leg.
We weren't allowed to ride the helicopter with him. One of the physician assistants that I work with also is on the EMT helicopter team, and I was so glad to see a familiar face. Andrea started driving Adam and I to Grand Rapids, but our van was on the way. I decided I no longer wanted to inconvenience her and I wasn't sure how long we would have to be there, so I drove the rest of the way. Andrea was great. Im so glad she was there, and I know she would've done anything to help us. Our van was past empty, so we had to stop and get gas. That was horrible. I couldn't get there fast enough. Adam was inconsolable. He said he couldnt stop replaying the incident in his head. I just kept repeating, "he's alive, it may not be as bad as we think. Just keep thinking positive and be thankful." That still didnt phase my traumatized hubby. The guilt and vision of the accident were weighing heavily on him. I asked him if the Tigers were playing. He said yes. I said, "well turn it on and maybe it will help you quit thinking about it." So I think we listened to the Tigers. I cant remember.
We finally arrived at Helen Devos children's hospital in Grand Rapids. We arrived at his bedside where they were doing X-Rays and preparing him for surgery. He was awake and seemingly happy to see his mom and dad. They gave him a blankie and a stuffed elephant and he immediately took to them. They wheeled him into surgery, and Adam and I waited in the surgery waiting room. The staff and everyone were so helpful and understanding. The surgery went pretty fast. The doctor took us to a consultation room and told us how the surgery went. All of the toes on his left foot were amputated, along with part of his foot up to the ball. They planned to do a skin graft on his thigh wound, but they need to irrigate it with a vacuum for a few days first to make sure there was no dirt or debris left. Adam and I were relieved to hear that he still had his leg. The pain in our hearts was so unbelievably still there though. I really felt like it would be there from now on.
That's all for today. Avery is awake and is ready for a new day. I plan to write more about the hospital stay and our homecoming in the next few days.
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