About mom

 

I lost my rock yesterday.  My best friend, my gossip sister, my go to girl.  The only other person besides my husband who loves our children just as much as we do.  Shes been sick for almost two years now and the cancer finally took her.  I remember how grief stricken I was when she was diagnosed.  A few weeks prior to her telling us, I actually dreamt about her telling me she had lung cancer.  I woke up crying, and woke Adam up to tell him.  Then she actually told me and the pain was out of this world.  I couldn't handle it.  It's like she died that day.  It's been a constant roller coaster since then.  She actually got rid of the cancer once.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when she told me.  I cried to her on the phone and we were both so happy.  I felt the knot in my chest disappear and all was PERFECT.  But her cancer wasn't letting her win.  It came back, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.  She's been in and out of the hospital for the last year.  She's been in pain and it's been hard for her to breathe.  She was getting weaker.  They brought hospice in about a week ago.  I just thought we had more time...

We were supposed to go up north this past weekend.  But I didnt want to risk leaving mom and being that far away so we cancelled.  Instead we spent the day with her on Saturday.  I invited my aunt and I brought everything to make a crockpot dinner.  I was laying next to mom massaging her fluid filled legs, when she said, "you know what's going on, right?"  I had no words.  It's hard to tell someone that you know they are dying.  I wanted to pretend like I thought she was going to beat it again.  But everyone knew the truth.  She continued on to say, "I'm not going to make it Kristy.  I probably only have about a month left."  I tried to fight back the tears and said, "I know mama."  I told her everything I needed to say after that.  I told her that we would all be ok and that I loved her so so much.  Last week we had a similar conversation and she told me how proud she was of me.  I told her I was proud of her.  She asked why and I said "because you gave up your adult years to adopt kids.  You were a great mom.  You chose to give up alcohol and you never looked back."  When we left Saturday, I had the kids each give her a kiss and hug and she did her bumblebee song to them and made them laugh.  She used to do that to them all the time, and she got to do it one last time.  When I left, I kept kissing her on the forehead, and said I love you mama about ten times.  She said, "dont worry Kris... you'll see me again."  I just replied, "oh I know mom, I just love you SO much."  And we left. 

My mom gave me a bag of stuff about a month ago and I found this poem that I wrote to her when I was around Ally's age.  Maybe a year or two older.  It pretty much sums up what I think about her.  I'd like to share it.

A dedication to Mother

This is a story about a lovely mother

I would never trade her for another

She has always been there for me

To pray for me on bended knee

She takes me shopping all the time

And when she does shes in a bind

My mom, I think shes pretty neat

She works all day in the summers heat

I pretty much get to do whatever

But sometimes she gets too clever

We may have our disagreements and fights

But they never really last all night

She comes in my room and gives me a hug

then she tucks me in as snug as a bug

We share some secrets and some treasures

To be with her her is a great pleasure

I know she likes Winnie the Pooh

But that's ok because I do too

She cleans my room almost everyday

Sometimes I dont know what to say

She goes to the store and buys me things

Joy and happiness she brings

I hope she has fun this very day

With plenty of things to laugh at and say

I have everything I need right here

For her, I'd give away my left ear

We share clothes and jewelry too

She makes the sky turn blue

She works in the garden all day long

She's always right while im always wrong

I think shes a real farmer girl

Her forehead topped with a curl

You should see her flower beds

They're more special than something said

I'll love her for the rest of my life

Even through pain and strife

She's a kind mother

Who raised me and my brother

Were getting chickens pretty soon

Maybe sometime in June

We have a dog that she loves a lot

I hope our love will never rot

Im very proud of her for the things she does

She cleans off one little piece of fuzz

I like spending time with her alone

Like going to get an ice cream cone

Shes a pretty funny gal

She's my number one pal

We moved when I was seven

I know Ill see you in heaven

I just wanted to say thank you

For all the loving things you do

I could write and write forever about her.  Stories about her, how great she was, how funny she was, etc...  But there are no words for what a truly amazing person she was.  The hurt I feel this morning... I can't take it.  There's a hole in my heart.  I feel like i'm going insane.  At times I forget she's gone... It just doesnt feel right.