My hopes in creating this blog is to accomplish a few things:  1.  To help me cope.  I tend to hold a lot of things inside, and try to be a "strong" person.  But the reality is, the hurt inside me is unbearable sometimes.  Maybe writing this down, and sharing it with others could be a way to cope.  2. To keep those who care updated on this whole process, and maybe eliminate the repetitive explanations.  3. To help others who are going through the same thing.  I've scoured the internet for some type of reassurance or information on partial foot amputations and have not found much.  I crave some comfort in knowing there are other little ones out there that are doing just fine.  4. We are not invisible.  It can happen to you.  Ill admit it, I'm one of those parents that let their kids explore explore explore.  I rarely tell them they cannot do something.  Especially when it involves being outdoors.  Adam and I are "lax" parents.  Since the accident, I have found myself already being more careful about what I let my kids do.  Ally asked me if she could ride her bike to town with our neighbor.  I would've said yes with no doubts before...  Now I think of everything that could possibly go wrong.  

June 17, 2012

 5 days after Avery turned 5

It was a Sunday.  Ally stayed with her friend Delaney the night before, so she wasn't home.  Adam, Avery, Adria and I went to church that morning.  Adria was in nursery and Avery was sitting with us in church.  I remember admiring him throughout the service.  How cute he was, how knobby his little knees are, how he was such a mama's boy, and I loved it.  I was there for God, but holding him while we sang songs of worship, made me feel happy and complete.  After the service, I asked Adam if I could go meet my friend in Whitehall to go to a craft show.  I asked him if I could leave Avery there with him, because lets admit it, the little boy is a handful!  I fully knew he planned to mow the lawn, so there is definitely guilt there on my side. 
I met my friend Andrea in Montague at a park and ride.  She drove us down to the craft show.  We got out, and started to head toward the elephant ears.  That's when I got the call.

It was Adam and he didn't sound right.  He said, "Kris... my worst nightmare just happened."  I paused, thinking it couldn't be bad.  There was just no way.  I said, "what?"  He said, "I ran Avery over with a lawn mower."  All the while, he's sobbing.  My knees starting buckling.  My breathing got rapid.  I was afraid to ask what happened... if he was alive.  But I finally asked.  "His toes are gone."  I dont even remember hanging up.  Feeling numb, I walked over to the picnic table where Andrea was sitting and said, "Um, I need to go home.  Avery was run over by a lawn mower."  Immediately, she said ok and we started toward the van.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  My throat was dry.  I kept it calm though.  I called my mom and told her what happened, and then Adam called again.  He said our neighbor was taking him to Shelby hospital and Avery was in the ambulance on the way there.  The ride to Shelby was a blur.  I had no idea where we were and time stood still.  I was opening the door and trying to get out of the vehicle before Andrea could even park.  There was an ambulance in the parking lot and I thought for sure he was in there.  Knees shaking, floaty feeling, voice trembling, I approached the EMT and said, "Is my boy in there?"  He told me that he hadn't arrived yet and to go into the hospital and wait for him.  The doctors and nurses were all set up in a room waiting for him.  Soon after, my boy was being wheeled in on a stretcher moaning, and I lost it for a second.  I knew I had to be brave for my little boy, so as I approached his bedside, I wiped away my tears, and told him, "Avery, you are a strong boy, and you're going to be just fine."  He looked up at me, and through his pain, said, "I lub you mom."  I had to look at his leg.  I work in the medical field, and have seen horrible things.  It was gruesome, but even more so because it was a part of me.  They told me that he was probably going to lose his leg. 

We weren't allowed to ride the helicopter with him.  One of the physician assistants that I work with also is on the EMT helicopter team, and I was so glad to see a familiar face.  Andrea started driving Adam and I to Grand Rapids, but our van was on the way. I decided I no longer wanted to inconvenience her and I wasn't sure how long we would have to be there, so I drove the rest of the way.  Andrea was great.  Im so glad she was there, and I know she would've done anything to help us.  Our van was past empty, so we had to stop and get gas.  That was horrible.  I couldn't get there fast enough.  Adam was inconsolable.  He said he couldnt stop replaying the incident in his head.  I just kept repeating, "he's alive, it may not be as bad as we think.  Just keep thinking positive and be thankful."  That still didnt phase my traumatized hubby.  The guilt and vision of the accident were weighing heavily on him.  I asked him if the Tigers were playing.  He said yes.  I said, "well turn it on and maybe it will help you quit thinking about it."  So I think we listened to the Tigers.  I cant remember.

We finally arrived at Helen Devos children's hospital in Grand Rapids.  We arrived at his bedside where they were doing X-Rays and preparing him for surgery.  He was awake and seemingly happy to see his mom and dad.  They gave him a blankie and a stuffed elephant and he immediately took to them.  They wheeled him into surgery, and Adam and I waited in the surgery waiting room.  The staff and everyone were so helpful and understanding.  The surgery went pretty fast.  The doctor took us to a consultation room and told us how the surgery went.  All of the toes on his left foot were amputated, along with part of his foot up to the ball.  They planned to do a skin graft on his thigh wound, but they need to irrigate it with a vacuum for a few days first to make sure there was no dirt or debris left.  Adam and I were relieved to hear that he still had his leg.  The pain in our hearts was so unbelievably still there though.  I really felt like it would be there from now on. 

That's all for today.  Avery is awake and is ready for a new day.  I plan to write more about the hospital stay and our homecoming in the next few days.