A little bribe

Learning to cope without mom is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.  My friend Andrea has been keeping me busy during the day so I don't think too much.  Her memorial is next Saturday, and I've been working on a video montage to present to everyone.  I want it to be special, and help everyone remember her before she was sick.  Last night I realized that it's probably not the greatest thing for me to be doing since to edit and get it just the way I want it, I have to preview it a million times, and the emotions get flowing.  I would have Adam do it, but I want it done a certain way, so the only person for the job is me.  Today i'm headed over to her house to go through pictures with my step-dad and get things ready for Saturday.  I'm taking the kids and i'm a little worried that Avery is going to ask where "Namma" is.  I've already explained things to him, but a five year old just doesn't get it.

On a HAPPY note....
I mentioned in a previous post that Avery has anxiety about putting his foot down, and I was worried that he wouldnt even try to walk because of it.  As you all know, he's addicted to angry birds and steals my phone all the time.  I, the genius that I am, bribed him with a new Kindle Fire!  I told him that when he started walking I would order it for him.  The kid is walking.  For real.  At first it was a little awkward, but by the end of the day, he had it mastered!  I went online, ordered him a pair of Keen shoes, and ordered him his very own Kindle Fire (jealous).  I cannot wait to put a pair of shoes on him!  It will give him a sense of normalcy because he wont get every Tom Dick and Harry in Walmart asking him what happened to his foot.  It wont be visible for people to ask!  I kept finding myself watching him with a huge grin on my face.  Im so proud of that boy!!

About mom

 

I lost my rock yesterday.  My best friend, my gossip sister, my go to girl.  The only other person besides my husband who loves our children just as much as we do.  Shes been sick for almost two years now and the cancer finally took her.  I remember how grief stricken I was when she was diagnosed.  A few weeks prior to her telling us, I actually dreamt about her telling me she had lung cancer.  I woke up crying, and woke Adam up to tell him.  Then she actually told me and the pain was out of this world.  I couldn't handle it.  It's like she died that day.  It's been a constant roller coaster since then.  She actually got rid of the cancer once.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when she told me.  I cried to her on the phone and we were both so happy.  I felt the knot in my chest disappear and all was PERFECT.  But her cancer wasn't letting her win.  It came back, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.  She's been in and out of the hospital for the last year.  She's been in pain and it's been hard for her to breathe.  She was getting weaker.  They brought hospice in about a week ago.  I just thought we had more time...

We were supposed to go up north this past weekend.  But I didnt want to risk leaving mom and being that far away so we cancelled.  Instead we spent the day with her on Saturday.  I invited my aunt and I brought everything to make a crockpot dinner.  I was laying next to mom massaging her fluid filled legs, when she said, "you know what's going on, right?"  I had no words.  It's hard to tell someone that you know they are dying.  I wanted to pretend like I thought she was going to beat it again.  But everyone knew the truth.  She continued on to say, "I'm not going to make it Kristy.  I probably only have about a month left."  I tried to fight back the tears and said, "I know mama."  I told her everything I needed to say after that.  I told her that we would all be ok and that I loved her so so much.  Last week we had a similar conversation and she told me how proud she was of me.  I told her I was proud of her.  She asked why and I said "because you gave up your adult years to adopt kids.  You were a great mom.  You chose to give up alcohol and you never looked back."  When we left Saturday, I had the kids each give her a kiss and hug and she did her bumblebee song to them and made them laugh.  She used to do that to them all the time, and she got to do it one last time.  When I left, I kept kissing her on the forehead, and said I love you mama about ten times.  She said, "dont worry Kris... you'll see me again."  I just replied, "oh I know mom, I just love you SO much."  And we left. 

My mom gave me a bag of stuff about a month ago and I found this poem that I wrote to her when I was around Ally's age.  Maybe a year or two older.  It pretty much sums up what I think about her.  I'd like to share it.

A dedication to Mother

This is a story about a lovely mother

I would never trade her for another

She has always been there for me

To pray for me on bended knee

She takes me shopping all the time

And when she does shes in a bind

My mom, I think shes pretty neat

She works all day in the summers heat

I pretty much get to do whatever

But sometimes she gets too clever

We may have our disagreements and fights

But they never really last all night

She comes in my room and gives me a hug

then she tucks me in as snug as a bug

We share some secrets and some treasures

To be with her her is a great pleasure

I know she likes Winnie the Pooh

But that's ok because I do too

She cleans my room almost everyday

Sometimes I dont know what to say

She goes to the store and buys me things

Joy and happiness she brings

I hope she has fun this very day

With plenty of things to laugh at and say

I have everything I need right here

For her, I'd give away my left ear

We share clothes and jewelry too

She makes the sky turn blue

She works in the garden all day long

She's always right while im always wrong

I think shes a real farmer girl

Her forehead topped with a curl

You should see her flower beds

They're more special than something said

I'll love her for the rest of my life

Even through pain and strife

She's a kind mother

Who raised me and my brother

Were getting chickens pretty soon

Maybe sometime in June

We have a dog that she loves a lot

I hope our love will never rot

Im very proud of her for the things she does

She cleans off one little piece of fuzz

I like spending time with her alone

Like going to get an ice cream cone

Shes a pretty funny gal

She's my number one pal

We moved when I was seven

I know Ill see you in heaven

I just wanted to say thank you

For all the loving things you do

I could write and write forever about her.  Stories about her, how great she was, how funny she was, etc...  But there are no words for what a truly amazing person she was.  The hurt I feel this morning... I can't take it.  There's a hole in my heart.  I feel like i'm going insane.  At times I forget she's gone... It just doesnt feel right.

this and that

I'm beginning to realize that this is a breeze.  That in just a few short months Avery will be a normal five year old.  Avery still has his leg, Avery still has a LOT of his foot, Avery is still our Avery, and Avery is BREATHING!  So much more could have came out of this accident, and I thank God that this is it.  So many more parents are dealing with much worse.  Cancer in their children, heart defects, brain defects, even death, and our hearts go out to them.  I bet they would do anything to trade that stuff for some lost toes.  Words cannot express how full our hearts are after this.  How we look at life differently and every small thing.  People say to me all the time that i'm such a strong person.  I'm no different than anyone else.  You just get through it.  The things that you do for your child... there is no limit. 

Avery still has his foot and thigh covered, waiting for the last of his open wounds to heal up nicely.  Then he will be able to try to walk.  I'm a little concerned with how that is going to go due to his lack of wanting to even look at it.  He has said to me before that he plans on using his walker forever.  I just tell him "nope, we are getting rid of that soon, and you're going to be RUNNING!"  So this is currently the battle that we are facing.  A battle that yes, I have my concerns about, but not really too worried about it.  It may be a struggle, but I KNOW that he will do it when the time comes.  Because I know how strong Avery is.  And I know he can conquer anything!

Let me tell you a totally AWESOME story....  One of my very good friends has a good friend that lost part of his foot in a lawn mower accident in his early twenties.  He is now late twenties I think?  Anyhow, he doesnt look old so I'll go with that.  :)   We have been emailing back and forth for awhile now, and he offered to bring his family up to Pentwater yesterday.  Blew my mind!!  Adam was nervous, but I wasnt.  I knew that anyone willing to do something like that was a great person and we would have no awkwardness at all.  We met at the beach and I was right.  Great person.  His wife and kids?  Great too.  He typed out two pages of notes for us to keep and reference through this journey.  He wanted to show Avery how he is just a normal guy with half a foot.  I feel incredibly confident now in the quality of Avery's life.  He actually has more of his foot gone than Avery, and he does just fine.  Any questions we had he answered with all honesty.  The guy waterskis  (BAREFOOT!!), snow skis, and pretty much can do anything he puts his mind to.  What an inspiration!  At first Avery did not want to look at his foot.  Had he not had this happen, im sure it would have been no big deal, but I just think it scares him to know that his foot looks similar.  That its not normal.  After warming up to Andy (thats his name by the way), Adam and I kept catching Avery sneaking looks at his foot.  And you could almost tell that gears were turning in his head.  Like, "ok... hes fine.  I will be too!"  By the end of the beach time, Avery and Andy were chummy playing in the sand together.  We met them at Gull Landing for dinner along with our friends Brian and Tera who introduced us, and finished up the night there. 
There is a new confidence in Avery after seeing Andy.  I love good people.  Im incredibly thankful that he took time out of HIS life, and came into ours.  I feel like such a sappy person after this.  People are probably like, "Gawd shes so dramatic and sappy!"  Well, I decided that I dont care.  Ive never been one to show or express emotion, but this is life people.  And its beautiful.  And its short.  And I dont care what people think anymore. 

smooth sailing

Things have been kind of uneventful lately.  Avery started daycare again this week, and he seemed really happy to be there.  I think he likes things back to normal.  His daycare center (Childs Play in Hart) has been unbelievably supportive to him and our family.  They had a bake sale for us, and some parents even went as far as paying our daycare bill!  We stuck it away for future medical bills.  Touched our hearts that they would go above and beyond like that.  Some fun info for you... How much do you think an emergency helicopter ride is to Grand Rapids?  Higher....  higher.....  $19,000!!  Granted, I hopefully wont have to pay that because I have health insurance (Praise the Lord!!) but it is still unbelievable!

I now have to change Avery's dressings every day.  The skin graft is absolutely doing wonderful, and has no open spots at all.  His knee had a very deep wound also, and that one just isn't healing as fast as I wanted it to.  All of his foot has been healed but one spot also.  It was frustrating because everytime I took the gauze off the open areas, it would peel back a layer of scab, and Avery would scream in pain.  His doctor suggested buying nonstick pads, and they have been working great.  I can already tell that things are looking better. I hope he's walking by his first day of kindergarten.  I hope.  I was at work the other night, when Adam posted a picture of Avery riding his tractor.  I seriously teared up.  The last time he rode his tractor was the day of the accident.  He was SUPPOSED to be riding it when he was run over.  This is a huge stepping stone!

I admit, I've been coddling Avery a LOT.  Either it caught up with me yesterday, or he was extremely tired.  I'm hoping it was exhaustion.  He was so naughty!!  I did wake him at 1 am yesterday morning to go to my moms 1.5 hours away.  We got there at 3 am, and he couldnt fall asleep.  I didnt get any sleep either because I slept with my mom and she was up every ten minutes saying she couldnt breathe or had to go to the bathroom.  Heartbreaking and scary to see her like that.  I would lose sleep any day to help her and make her feel better though.  I would just rub her back or tickle her shoulders to try to get her breathing slowed down.  I cannot imagine how scared she is.  I wish I could take her place.

A turning point

Wow, what an eventful week!  Had two of my great friends Angela and Andrea over for two nights, where we watched fireworks on the beach, went to a parade, and spent the day at the beach!  It has been super hot!  We all had a lot of fun.

After our company left today, I took the kids to Mount Pleasant to visit my mom.  We spent the day there. At one point, I was getting pretty sleepy, so I decided to take the kids for a walk down to the gift shop.  We get a lot of people asking Avery what happened to his leg when we are out in public, but he's usually pretty silent.  Today, the gift shop volunteer asked, and he flat out said, "I got run over by a lawn mower."  The lady seemed pretty unmoved.  Her next question irritated me a little... "So do you still have your toes?"  To my surprise Avery said "no".  I was pretty impressed and proud of him!  Ive been telling him at the right moments in the last couple of weeks to remind him about his foot.  I dont want to take the bandage off one day and have him go in shock at the sight of his foot.  I just didnt think it sunk in... but I guess i was wrong!  The lady then said, "well do you have your big toe at least?"  I kinda went mama bear on her and just abruptly said, "no, but he's going to be just fine aren't ya Avery?  It's no different than before."  And we walked out.  I dont mind people asking... I get that they are curious.  But don't keep pestering, and for heavens sake, don't make him feel inferior! 

My mom is doing a lot better than she was in the last couple of days.  She was starting to get a little spacey, forgetful, and tired.  I could tell she was happy to see me and the kids.  It made me smile.  Im very vague on her sometimes, or I just dont mention her.  The reason is, she does not like to be mentioned on facebook at all.  She does not like any sort of attention.  She does not want visitors there that never visited her while she was well.  She's just like that. 

On the way home, the girls fell asleep, and Avery was just full of it.  He was asking me all sorts of things like where was he before he was born (that one blows my mind, and I had no answer for that) and what kind of music did I listen to when I was little, and all kinds of silly yet kind of interesting questions.  I started playing some music for him that I loved as a kid, which in turn got him singing songs the whole.way.home.  Two hours to be exact.  And I loved every minute of it.  He was singing songs about daycare, about deer hunting, about his dad, and any other thing you can think of.  At one point he said, "Mom, want me to sing about my accident?"  I perked up a little bit when I heard that and immediately said yes.  I was very curious what he could possibly "sing" about regarding that topic.  It went a little something like this,

"I was playin in the yard, and I got run over by a lawn mower....
I got to ride in the ambulance very fast and then a helicopterrrrrrrr....
I went to the doctor and then I came home and watched fireworks and had a lot of fuuuunnnnnnnn! With Angela and Keelie and Gage!!!!"

You have no idea how I was smiling ear to ear with tears in my eyes.  Not once in that song was "hurt" mentioned.  Or anything else negative.  ALL of it was positive.  Every single word.  Very cool.  This is what I was aiming for.  To see the good in all of this.  And he gets it!!! 

A day to remember

I woke up early this morning to take Avery to Grand Rapids for his appointment.  I took all three kids with me.  They are going to take his whole leg cast off.  I was looking forward to it.  I cannot wait for him to be able to move his leg more freely. 

I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly though.  The girls were in the room also, and the doctor just started taking his dressings off.  Ally saw his injuries for the first time, and I saw them for the second.  Still not a pleasant sight to see on your five year old boy.  Still made me feel queasy.  I could tell Ally was in shock.  She sat in the corner for a little bit, and then came over and whispered in my ear, "Mom, im sorry that I was mean to Avery and jealous."  She sat back down.  Once the doctor started taking the stitches out of his stump, and his skin grafted thigh, Avery screamed bloody murder.  Stiff with pain, sweating, nose dripping.  I just sat there with him holding his hand telling him he was doing great.  The pain im sure was just unbearable.  It was hard to watch him go through that.  He doesnt deserve it.  But, the little trooper got through it.  And walked out with a sucker and a smile on his face.  Ally walked out with Adria in the middle of it, and went into the waiting room.  It was too much for her to bear.  I wont say it was good that she was in there, but it showed her how serious his injuries really are.  This whole time she's been saying, "he's fine, why does he keep getting all this attention and presents?"  She just had no clue that what we were trying to tell her was true.  Now she knows, and I hope she can get over her jealousy.  I think its pretty normal for her to feel that way though.  Every kid loves attention.

I took the jogging stroller with us and we walked through the Muskegon mall.  Besides Adria throwing fits, and one ipod and cellphone battery dead from playing angry birds, it was enjoyable.  We are now home, everyone sleepy, but in good spirits.  Getting ready for our company to come tonight and fourth of july fireworks!
'

Rough day

Today just validates the fact that I can't drink.  Yesterday when Lori and her family were here, I made my beer/vodka/lemonade drink and actually felt pretty tipsy.  Woke up with a headache of course and been seconds near upchucking all day.  It's been a rough one.  Its 9:30 pm, and I still feel it.  Needless to say, I napped all day and we got takeout from Brown Bear.  The kids are so bored! 

Adam did take Avery fishing today at Bass Lake.  I was happy to see them spend some alone time together.  Avery is getting around well.  He used his walker into the bathroom today, and I walked in on him going.  He said, "Mom, get out I want to do do it myself!"  Fantastic!  Every little thing he conquers will only make him stronger. 

My grandma called me tonight and said that they took my mom to the hospital via ambulance.  She is battling lung cancer, has been through radiation and two rounds of chemo, and the cancer just keeps getting worse.  She recently started a new drug that will help kill the cancer.  She's been so weak, and kind of spacey lately.  Im so worried about her.  My grandma said she was real lethargic today and wouldn't wake up easily for them.  Its 9:40 pm, and im battling with the decision to get in my car and go to her.  What if she doesnt make it through this?  I need to be there.  The thing that is holding me back is the kids.  I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that she may never see them again... that they may never see her again.  I want to take them with me to see her.  But im sure they wont allow us all into her room at midnight tonight.  I cant lose my mom.  She is my rock.  She is who I turn to.  We gossip, we laugh at our mutual airheadedness, and we just get each other.  Well... she doesnt get me cause she always says she doesnt understand where I come from, but I have definitely figured her out.  She's so proud of me.  She says it all the time.  I am over the moon that I can make her proud.  :)  I remember when she told me she had a tumor in her lungs...  my first instinct was to call her crying and tell her what I just heard.  Then remembered that it was HER that this was happening to.  And I needed to be strong for her.  To make her believe everything was going to be ok.  But the fact is, there's a good chance it wont.  Nothing hurts more than to not have the words or solution to comfort someone.  So I sit here... the pain is throbbing in my chest.  All of it.  From Avery, from everything we've been through in the last year and a half, from the moment I heard she was sick.  It is hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once.  Should I go to her?