Today just validates the fact that I can't drink. Yesterday when Lori and her family were here, I made my beer/vodka/lemonade drink and actually felt pretty tipsy. Woke up with a headache of course and been seconds near upchucking all day. It's been a rough one. Its 9:30 pm, and I still feel it. Needless to say, I napped all day and we got takeout from Brown Bear. The kids are so bored!
Adam did take Avery fishing today at Bass Lake. I was happy to see them spend some alone time together. Avery is getting around well. He used his walker into the bathroom today, and I walked in on him going. He said, "Mom, get out I want to do do it myself!" Fantastic! Every little thing he conquers will only make him stronger.
My grandma called me tonight and said that they took my mom to the hospital via ambulance. She is battling lung cancer, has been through radiation and two rounds of chemo, and the cancer just keeps getting worse. She recently started a new drug that will help kill the cancer. She's been so weak, and kind of spacey lately. Im so worried about her. My grandma said she was real lethargic today and wouldn't wake up easily for them. Its 9:40 pm, and im battling with the decision to get in my car and go to her. What if she doesnt make it through this? I need to be there. The thing that is holding me back is the kids. I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that she may never see them again... that they may never see her again. I want to take them with me to see her. But im sure they wont allow us all into her room at midnight tonight. I cant lose my mom. She is my rock. She is who I turn to. We gossip, we laugh at our mutual airheadedness, and we just get each other. Well... she doesnt get me cause she always says she doesnt understand where I come from, but I have definitely figured her out. She's so proud of me. She says it all the time. I am over the moon that I can make her proud. :) I remember when she told me she had a tumor in her lungs... my first instinct was to call her crying and tell her what I just heard. Then remembered that it was HER that this was happening to. And I needed to be strong for her. To make her believe everything was going to be ok. But the fact is, there's a good chance it wont. Nothing hurts more than to not have the words or solution to comfort someone. So I sit here... the pain is throbbing in my chest. All of it. From Avery, from everything we've been through in the last year and a half, from the moment I heard she was sick. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once. Should I go to her?
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Comfort
Today Avery had physical therapy in Ludington. I was originally going to cancel it because he's doing so well at home, and i'm working quite a bit with him, but decided it would be the right thing to at least go to one. As I previously mentioned, in the hospital Avery would not do anything for any of the staff there. I figured it would be the same in this situation, and it was. Pretty pointless. The physical therapist asked what he needed help with, and I just flat out said, "nothing". Seriously, he walks around the house with his walker, gets in and out of his chair, etc. I'm impressed with him. So, long story short, I wont be going to another physical therapy session until after he can apply pressure to his foot. And that's a big maybe. After PT, Avery and I went into Lowes real quick to pick out a paint color for the entryway. Then we went to Walmart and got some groceries. Avery played Angry Birds on my phone the whole time, and was just really great. It was great bonding time for us to just spend the day together.
Ironically, I work with a woman named Lori who's son was also in a lawn mower accident, and he lost his leg from just below the knee, down. The day of Avery's accident, I was desperately trying to call her on the way to Grand Rapids, because I just wanted someone who has been through this to tell me it would be ok. We had her and her family over for dinner tonight and it was wonderful! I told Avery beforehand about how her boy went through the same thing that he did, and he seemed to think that was cool. Her son has a prosthetic leg, and he wasn't shy about it at all. He showed Avery what it looked like, and I could tell that it made Avery feel better about his foot. The kids played the Wii, and went outside, and really had a good time. It was nice to talk to another family that has been through this.
Ironically, I work with a woman named Lori who's son was also in a lawn mower accident, and he lost his leg from just below the knee, down. The day of Avery's accident, I was desperately trying to call her on the way to Grand Rapids, because I just wanted someone who has been through this to tell me it would be ok. We had her and her family over for dinner tonight and it was wonderful! I told Avery beforehand about how her boy went through the same thing that he did, and he seemed to think that was cool. Her son has a prosthetic leg, and he wasn't shy about it at all. He showed Avery what it looked like, and I could tell that it made Avery feel better about his foot. The kids played the Wii, and went outside, and really had a good time. It was nice to talk to another family that has been through this.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Journey to a normal life.
Im one determined mama. I will make it happen if I want it. I want Avery to feel normal. It's gonna happen. Today I took Avery and the girls to the beach! I wrapped up the end of his cast in a garbage bag and away we went! We all had so much fun! Avery didn't seem to mind that he couldnt get in the water. I picked him up and dipped his other foot in, and that seemed fine enough for him. Wanna know what the crazy thing is? We have lived in this beach town for 5 years and before we left, there was NOT a pathway to the beach. They installed one while we were in the hospital! It truly is a blessing. I was able to easily wheel Avery all the way down to the water. It was kind of emotional. Seriously... Im so grateful. We came home after a couple of hours (yes I said HOURS!) and waited for Ally's softball game to start. I drove the kids, and my mother in law and her boyfriend followed. Adam met us there after work. Allys friends have brothers the same age, so Avery always loves going to her games. I was a little worried that he would feel sad because he couldnt run around with the other boys. I did sense a little frustration, but for the most part, the boys were wonderful and included Avery in as much as they could. He left happy. :)
Avery knows he lost part of his foot. He hasnt been able to see it yet, but im trying to prepare him for whats to come. I try to get him to talk about it. He gets emotional about it. He says, "but mom, I want toes on my other foot too! Will they grow back?" It's heartbreaking to tell him no. When I first told him, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I wont be able to walk?" I told him, absolutely YES. One thing he said yesterday that stumped me was that he wanted to tiptoe. What am I supposed to say to that? I just hugged him. The little stinker came up with something that mama couldnt give him an answer to. Of course he did. He's smarter than I think :)
Avery knows he lost part of his foot. He hasnt been able to see it yet, but im trying to prepare him for whats to come. I try to get him to talk about it. He gets emotional about it. He says, "but mom, I want toes on my other foot too! Will they grow back?" It's heartbreaking to tell him no. When I first told him, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I wont be able to walk?" I told him, absolutely YES. One thing he said yesterday that stumped me was that he wanted to tiptoe. What am I supposed to say to that? I just hugged him. The little stinker came up with something that mama couldnt give him an answer to. Of course he did. He's smarter than I think :)
9 days in the hospital
Sunday, June 17
After surgery we were taken the room on floor 7 where Avery would spend the next 9 days. The first day and night he would get terrible leg cramps in his left leg and would cry in pain. That was really hard to watch, as we couldnt do anything about it. My girls were still at my friend Andrea's house and we had nothing with us (clothes, hygiene stuff, toys and blankets for Avery, etc...). So while Adam stayed at the hospital, I went and picked the girls up and we spent the night at home. It was hard leaving him, but Adam never left his side. Coming home was emotional. I felt like I was going to a place where a tragic crime happened. It was eery I guess. I didn't even turn my head to look at the side of the house where the accident happened. I had tunnel vision to the door. Once inside, I just could not stop thinking about my boy. Stuff he did just this morning still laying on the floor... memories of him with normal feet and no pain, flooding to me. Everytime I stepped into his room to grab his stuff, I would feel total despair and had to remind myself that he was alive because the pain would not go away. Ally helped me pack up our stuff and we went to bed. Here's my precious Ally sleeping. Love her.
Monday, June 18
The girls and I woke up very early to go to the hospital. I could not believe how emotional I felt this morning. It's like I woke up expecting it all to be a dream, and when I realized it wasn't, it was like I was being told all over again about the accident. I got into the shower and started sobbing. Ally was in the bathroom also, and said, "mom, are you ok?" I know she's only 9, but the words "I just cannot believe this is real" escaped my mouth. After getting everything loaded into the vehicle, the girls and I headed to Grand Rapids. Adam's mom had driven up last night and was already at the hospital when we got there. Avery had cried before he went into surgery yesterday when he asked about his sisters, so he was very happy to see them! We stayed all day, and I was surprised that Adria was so good. She played with her ponies and was pretty content the whole time. Later that evening, my mother in law took the girls back to our house and Adam and I stayed at the hospital.
Tuesday, June 19
Today physical therapy came in and tried to get Avery moving a little bit. He wouldn't have anything to do with it. Would just cry and whine the entire time. His spirits seemed a little better when there were no hospital workers in the room. He was upset that his sister's had left though.
Wednesday, June 20
I left early in the morning because I had to work :( Avery was going to go into surgery around 7 am to see how the wounds were doing and possibly do the skin graft and do anything else they needed to to his foot. They ended up being able to do the skin graft on his thigh, but unfortunately had to have a little more of his foot cut back. It just wasn't setting up like the doctors wanted it to. I checked in often with Adam to see how he was doing. He wasn't doing well. Vomiting all day, depressed, and would not eat. On top of it, he hadn't had a bowel movement in 4 days so they had to give him suppositories. After he was able to go, you could tell he felt much better.
June 21-24
I brought the girls up on Friday morning to spend the day with Avery. Adam went to work for the first time. We took walks around the hospital and Avery seemed to really like that. We went outside, to the library, to the children's play area, etc... He also had a Wii in his room. He also now has a toy store in his bedroom with all the gifts from people! He actually once said, "Mom, I don't want anymore presents." What kid says that?! His emotions were up and down within these days. He would be really happy at times, but then he would switch to being really moody and sad. He still would not budge for physical therapy and it was really frustrating to me. I was worried he would become weak or get bed sores or something. I was worried about how he would be at home.
Monday, June 25
Avery had another surgery in the morning to see how the skin graft was taking and how the foot was scabbing over. The skin graft took 100%! The foot is scabbing over just how they like it to be. The surgeon said that we should be able to go home today! I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. Mainly because Avery wakes up every night drenched in sweat and sobbing. He wouldnt ever tell us what was wrong, but we assumed it was pain so we had the nurse give him a shot of morphine. The only thing that would calm him down was if I layed in bed next to him and sang the kids favorite song "5 little raindrops." I was scared he would wake up at home and we wouldnt be able to control his pain. The second reason is his blood pressure was running high. A 5 year olds blood pressure should not be high. It concerned me.
After what seemed like forever to get our discharge papers, and medical equipment (wheelchair and walker) we were on our way home! Avery seemed really happy to be in the van and kept saying, "this is fun!" He fell asleep on the way. When we got home, it was like a total transformation. He immediately wanted "real" clothes and underwear on, and wanted to sit on the couch. He would do anything.we.asked.him.to.do. It was amazing. He would hop on one foot, push his wheelchair, roll over, go potty standing up (we had to use a urinal the whole time at the hospital), and was just very determined!
He slept great. Did not wake up once, and was not in the pain even in the morning! Im just so impressed with my little boy!
After surgery we were taken the room on floor 7 where Avery would spend the next 9 days. The first day and night he would get terrible leg cramps in his left leg and would cry in pain. That was really hard to watch, as we couldnt do anything about it. My girls were still at my friend Andrea's house and we had nothing with us (clothes, hygiene stuff, toys and blankets for Avery, etc...). So while Adam stayed at the hospital, I went and picked the girls up and we spent the night at home. It was hard leaving him, but Adam never left his side. Coming home was emotional. I felt like I was going to a place where a tragic crime happened. It was eery I guess. I didn't even turn my head to look at the side of the house where the accident happened. I had tunnel vision to the door. Once inside, I just could not stop thinking about my boy. Stuff he did just this morning still laying on the floor... memories of him with normal feet and no pain, flooding to me. Everytime I stepped into his room to grab his stuff, I would feel total despair and had to remind myself that he was alive because the pain would not go away. Ally helped me pack up our stuff and we went to bed. Here's my precious Ally sleeping. Love her.
Monday, June 18
The girls and I woke up very early to go to the hospital. I could not believe how emotional I felt this morning. It's like I woke up expecting it all to be a dream, and when I realized it wasn't, it was like I was being told all over again about the accident. I got into the shower and started sobbing. Ally was in the bathroom also, and said, "mom, are you ok?" I know she's only 9, but the words "I just cannot believe this is real" escaped my mouth. After getting everything loaded into the vehicle, the girls and I headed to Grand Rapids. Adam's mom had driven up last night and was already at the hospital when we got there. Avery had cried before he went into surgery yesterday when he asked about his sisters, so he was very happy to see them! We stayed all day, and I was surprised that Adria was so good. She played with her ponies and was pretty content the whole time. Later that evening, my mother in law took the girls back to our house and Adam and I stayed at the hospital.
Tuesday, June 19
Today physical therapy came in and tried to get Avery moving a little bit. He wouldn't have anything to do with it. Would just cry and whine the entire time. His spirits seemed a little better when there were no hospital workers in the room. He was upset that his sister's had left though.
Wednesday, June 20
I left early in the morning because I had to work :( Avery was going to go into surgery around 7 am to see how the wounds were doing and possibly do the skin graft and do anything else they needed to to his foot. They ended up being able to do the skin graft on his thigh, but unfortunately had to have a little more of his foot cut back. It just wasn't setting up like the doctors wanted it to. I checked in often with Adam to see how he was doing. He wasn't doing well. Vomiting all day, depressed, and would not eat. On top of it, he hadn't had a bowel movement in 4 days so they had to give him suppositories. After he was able to go, you could tell he felt much better.
June 21-24
Monday, June 25
Avery had another surgery in the morning to see how the skin graft was taking and how the foot was scabbing over. The skin graft took 100%! The foot is scabbing over just how they like it to be. The surgeon said that we should be able to go home today! I'm feeling mixed emotions about this. Mainly because Avery wakes up every night drenched in sweat and sobbing. He wouldnt ever tell us what was wrong, but we assumed it was pain so we had the nurse give him a shot of morphine. The only thing that would calm him down was if I layed in bed next to him and sang the kids favorite song "5 little raindrops." I was scared he would wake up at home and we wouldnt be able to control his pain. The second reason is his blood pressure was running high. A 5 year olds blood pressure should not be high. It concerned me.
After what seemed like forever to get our discharge papers, and medical equipment (wheelchair and walker) we were on our way home! Avery seemed really happy to be in the van and kept saying, "this is fun!" He fell asleep on the way. When we got home, it was like a total transformation. He immediately wanted "real" clothes and underwear on, and wanted to sit on the couch. He would do anything.we.asked.him.to.do. It was amazing. He would hop on one foot, push his wheelchair, roll over, go potty standing up (we had to use a urinal the whole time at the hospital), and was just very determined!
He slept great. Did not wake up once, and was not in the pain even in the morning! Im just so impressed with my little boy!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
My hopes in creating this blog is to accomplish a few things: 1. To help me cope. I tend to hold a lot of things inside, and try to be a "strong" person. But the reality is, the hurt inside me is unbearable sometimes. Maybe writing this down, and sharing it with others could be a way to cope. 2. To keep those who care updated on this whole process, and maybe eliminate the repetitive explanations. 3. To help others who are going through the same thing. I've scoured the internet for some type of reassurance or information on partial foot amputations and have not found much. I crave some comfort in knowing there are other little ones out there that are doing just fine. 4. We are not invisible. It can happen to you. Ill admit it, I'm one of those parents that let their kids explore explore explore. I rarely tell them they cannot do something. Especially when it involves being outdoors. Adam and I are "lax" parents. Since the accident, I have found myself already being more careful about what I let my kids do. Ally asked me if she could ride her bike to town with our neighbor. I would've said yes with no doubts before... Now I think of everything that could possibly go wrong.
June 17, 2012
5 days after Avery turned 5
I met my friend Andrea in Montague at a park and ride. She drove us down to the craft show. We got out, and started to head toward the elephant ears. That's when I got the call.
It was Adam and he didn't sound right. He said, "Kris... my worst nightmare just happened." I paused, thinking it couldn't be bad. There was just no way. I said, "what?" He said, "I ran Avery over with a lawn mower." All the while, he's sobbing. My knees starting buckling. My breathing got rapid. I was afraid to ask what happened... if he was alive. But I finally asked. "His toes are gone." I dont even remember hanging up. Feeling numb, I walked over to the picnic table where Andrea was sitting and said, "Um, I need to go home. Avery was run over by a lawn mower." Immediately, she said ok and we started toward the van. I felt like I was going to throw up. My throat was dry. I kept it calm though. I called my mom and told her what happened, and then Adam called again. He said our neighbor was taking him to Shelby hospital and Avery was in the ambulance on the way there. The ride to Shelby was a blur. I had no idea where we were and time stood still. I was opening the door and trying to get out of the vehicle before Andrea could even park. There was an ambulance in the parking lot and I thought for sure he was in there. Knees shaking, floaty feeling, voice trembling, I approached the EMT and said, "Is my boy in there?" He told me that he hadn't arrived yet and to go into the hospital and wait for him. The doctors and nurses were all set up in a room waiting for him. Soon after, my boy was being wheeled in on a stretcher moaning, and I lost it for a second. I knew I had to be brave for my little boy, so as I approached his bedside, I wiped away my tears, and told him, "Avery, you are a strong boy, and you're going to be just fine." He looked up at me, and through his pain, said, "I lub you mom." I had to look at his leg. I work in the medical field, and have seen horrible things. It was gruesome, but even more so because it was a part of me. They told me that he was probably going to lose his leg.
We weren't allowed to ride the helicopter with him. One of the physician assistants that I work with also is on the EMT helicopter team, and I was so glad to see a familiar face. Andrea started driving Adam and I to Grand Rapids, but our van was on the way. I decided I no longer wanted to inconvenience her and I wasn't sure how long we would have to be there, so I drove the rest of the way. Andrea was great. Im so glad she was there, and I know she would've done anything to help us. Our van was past empty, so we had to stop and get gas. That was horrible. I couldn't get there fast enough. Adam was inconsolable. He said he couldnt stop replaying the incident in his head. I just kept repeating, "he's alive, it may not be as bad as we think. Just keep thinking positive and be thankful." That still didnt phase my traumatized hubby. The guilt and vision of the accident were weighing heavily on him. I asked him if the Tigers were playing. He said yes. I said, "well turn it on and maybe it will help you quit thinking about it." So I think we listened to the Tigers. I cant remember.
We finally arrived at Helen Devos children's hospital in Grand Rapids. We arrived at his bedside where they were doing X-Rays and preparing him for surgery. He was awake and seemingly happy to see his mom and dad. They gave him a blankie and a stuffed elephant and he immediately took to them. They wheeled him into surgery, and Adam and I waited in the surgery waiting room. The staff and everyone were so helpful and understanding. The surgery went pretty fast. The doctor took us to a consultation room and told us how the surgery went. All of the toes on his left foot were amputated, along with part of his foot up to the ball. They planned to do a skin graft on his thigh wound, but they need to irrigate it with a vacuum for a few days first to make sure there was no dirt or debris left. Adam and I were relieved to hear that he still had his leg. The pain in our hearts was so unbelievably still there though. I really felt like it would be there from now on.
That's all for today. Avery is awake and is ready for a new day. I plan to write more about the hospital stay and our homecoming in the next few days.
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